dear charlie;

I have this intense sad cloud over me.

I have an arena full of people who were once in love with me that no longer are.  And in there are also people who would have looked at me and decided I wasn’t even worth the time to get to know.

I have so much hurt inside of me and it consumes me.

I can no longer live in the moment every relationship I have I spend its entirety wondering when they are finally going to realize the nothing that I am and leave.

I experience tragedy after tragedy and I’m expected to live through it head held high and believe in god and his love for his children and their struggle.

Well I don’t believe that.

I’ve tried and I can’t bring myself to believe. And I can’t bring myself to even pretend.  

Depression and anxiety has been such a big part of my life.

I just want it to end. I’ve been waiting, wanting for so long but I’m so scared.

I wake up and go to sleep feeling the same way. I sleep during the day I wake up and spend the rest of the night wishing I could go back.

It fucking hurts that I keep getting abandoned. And it makes me not want to even start new relationships with people because every time I do it happens all over again.

Does no one see or care? I feel like there is me and all these stones are being thrown at me.  And, I’m not being repaired. I’m just being constantly broken down until there will be no more of me.